21 nemalonus palinkėjimas kiekvienai progai

1. Ėsk akėčias.
2. Kad tau internetas nutrūktų reikiamiausiu metu.
3. Laižyk svogūną.
4. Kad tavo plaukai atrodytų riebaluoti, nors juos ką tik išsiplovei.
5. Užmik ant kaktuso.
6. Kad tau visą dieną būtų užstrigęs maisto likutis danty ir tu tai jaustum.
7. Šik grėbliais.
8. Kad tau blakstiena įkristų į akį.
9. Pasitrink jalapeną į akį.
10. Kad tau iškristų maistas ant žemės.
11. Eik skaičiuot smėlį.
12. Kad naktį atsikėlęs eidamas sumuštum mažąjį kojos pirštą į komodą.
13. Spardyk bangą.
14. Uostyk mano traktorių.
15. Kad tau oda užstrigtų užtrauktuke.
16. Dek ūsą (barzdą).
17. Kad tavo veidrodžio atspindys nuo tavęs pabėgtų.
18. Rauk žolę.
19. Tempk inkarą.
20. Nusipiešk smegenis.
21. Dusk.

Ką verta turėti omenyje, renkantis kolegas pavežimui (carpool'ui)

Važiuojant gali geriau susipažinti su žmonėmis, su kuriais darbo vietoje persimeti tik keliais žodžiais. Tačiau kolegos gali pradėti pasakoti darbo vietos gandus, kurie ne visada yra linksmi, gali būti kompromituojantys, nes pasirodo gražioji sekretorė užmezgė romaną su bosu ir administratore iš karto. Tačiau nereiktų gandų nuvertinti, jie gali jums suteikti pakankamai informacijos, kad galėtumėte apšmeižti visus tris ir toliau gyventi nesirūpinant pinigais.

Dar gali pasitaikyti, kad kompanijoje yra vienas žmogus, kuris visada vėluoja arba yra labai įkyrus. Na, jo palikti stovinčio gatvėje nebūtų itin mandagu, bet jūs juk nekaltas, kad jis toks įkyrus, čia jo kaltė. Galės eit pėsčiomis, bus jam pamoka, kad nereikia garsiai čepsėti ir kalbėti telefonu, kai groja jūsų mėgstamiausią dainą.

Pats didžiausias kompanijos pliusas yra kad jie gali sutrumpinti kamštį savo šnekomis. Jeigu jos įdomios aišku. Jeigu neįdomios, tiesiog galite garsinti radiją tol, kol nieko nesigirdės. Kol visi panirsite į muzikos liūną ir galiausiai net nesigirdės gatvės, nes jūs jau būsite nuvažiavę nuo tilto. Garsi muzika pakenkė jūsų būgneliams ir jūs neišgirdote to priartėjusio sunkvežimio. Kaip gaila.

Taip pat keičiantis vairuoti, kažkas gali vairuoti truputį agresyviau ir jums norėsis prisisegti dar penkis saugos diržus, o kitas žmogus gali slinkti kaip sraigė ir jums norėsis tiesiog išlipti ir pačiam stumti mašiną, nes taip bus greičiau.

Ne visada gali sutapti jūsų ir jūsų bendradarbių grafikai. Juk nenorite laukti automobilyje, kol jūsų kolega baigs flirtuoti su visomis ofiso merginomis ir teiksis išeit? O jeigu kažkuri sutiks eit į pasimatymą? Sveikinu, jūs ką tik tapot jų vairuotoju. Sėkmės. O jeigu jums pasimatymas? Tada jūsų pavežimo kolegos bus jums kaip penkta ar šešta šuns koja. Nors gal šešios kojos visai patogu. Reiks paklaust, jei tokį šunį sutiksiu.

Jeigu jus veža, galite numigt ir pabaigti sapnuoti tą košmarą arba atsiversti nešiojamą kompiuterį ir pabaigti tą ataskaitą, kurią sakėt pabaigsit prieš porą savaičių. Vai vai vai, meluoti negražu.

Svarbiausia susitarti dėl taisyklių: ar galima rūkyti mašinoje, ar galima valgyti ar gerti (nepamirškit pavaišinti ir vairuotojo!), kiek bus laukiama vėluojančių ir kokia jiems bus bausmė, bei ką daryti jei jūsų viaruotojas susirgo ir visgi negalės atvažiuoti (tough luck buddy).

Vis dėlto, ar pavežti kolegas ar ne priklauso nuo jūsų bendro susitarimo. Nepamirškit būti saugūs kelyje ir negerti vairuojant, nes gali išsipilti gėrimas. Sėkmės!

Išdegintos žemės

Sako, išdeginti žemes reikia, kad jose geriau augtų,

Jei tai tiesa, mano žemės turėtų vešėti, žydėti.

Bet, vos tik prisiminus, tarsi pirštus per peilį brauktų,

Aš noriu nežinoti, pamiršti, užteks gi kentėti.

Koks dar skausmas? - klausia jie,- juk išdegė ir viskas.

Čia kaip trąšos, gyvenk toliau. O šiaip, pati kalta, nesiskųsk.

Pati kalta, kad norėjai paragauti ugnies, patraukė miškas.

Pati įleidai, nepasipriešinai, galėjai degintojus lauk išgrūst.

Negalėjau.

Bandžiau.

Jau viskas.

Gyt laikas.

Bet kai tau išdega žemės… Niekas nepasako, ką daryt toliau.

Nežinojau, kad kasdien matysiu tą plyną lauką prieš save.

Maniau, greitai vėl sužaliuos, tik reikia dar truputį palaukt.

Bet žemės buvo tuščios. Aišku, kad aš kaltinau tik save.

Bijojau. Bijojau kiekvieno daigelio, kuris išdygdavo netyčia,

Nes vos tik kas išdygdavo, vėl pasirodydavo ugnis ir dūmai.

Todėl vos pamatydavau žalią, buvau griežta kaip bažnyčia,

Išraudavau. Skaudėjo. Pas mane tuščia, pas kitus gėlių rūmai.

Negalėjau žiūrėt į savo žemes, negalėjau leisti kitiems matyti.

Atradau tada aš ne itin tinkamas trąšas, dirbtines gėles.

Sakė neaugs niekas iš viso, o aš sakiau, man reikia apgyti.

Apsimečiau, patikėjau, nors ir naudojau jas kaip lėles.

Aptvėriau laukus nuo prašalaičių, tik aš naudojausi vartais,

Ir jie teisė mane, kai kasnakt eidavau ieškoti gėlių netikrų,

Bet nors ir dirbtinės, jos bent jau žydėjo. Ir kartais, kartais,

Pamiršdavau, kad jos iš plastiko, negyvos, nevalgomos vikšrų.

Mano žemės išdegė. Jos juodos, nepurentos, bet gyvos.

Išroviau aš tas plastikines gėles – atsibodo į jas žiūrėti.

Gal kada išaugs ten kas nors. Gal obuoliai. Gal slyvos.

Nebebijau žalios. Nebebijau ugnies. Turbūt metas sėti.

Šperų dilema

Ir vėl bemiegės naktys - skaičiau skaidres.

Tai reiškia, kad dieną praleidiau marias

Stengdamasi negalvoti apie tai, kas bus.

Norėjau pamiršti apie visus koliokviumus.

Taip taip, žinau, prisiminsi, kai kartosi

Tūkstančius kartų. O po to gal ir išmoksi.

Svarbiausia, kad gautum gerą pažymį ir viskas.

Nemanau, kad kas liks, juk medžiagos -  miškas.

Turėjau dėstytoją ne vieną, kurie su šypsena

Kartodavo, kad "Nusirašinėti - nevalia",

Bet tuo pačiu įkvėpimu grūmodavo pirštu:

"Mano koliai - sunkūs, susimausi ir tu".

Ir aišku, bent vienas pasiūlo naudotis špera,

Juk tai nesunku, niekas nemato, pažymį gerą

Gausi laisvai. Stipendija garantuota,

Galės būti knygoms ir alui panaudota.

Taip, suprantu, kartais nelieka išeities,

Ir be šperos rankovėj nebus ateities.

Aš neskundžiu, kartais nėra kelio kito.

Bet atleisk, jei nekęsiu sprendimo šito.

Kai tau jos reikia, nes tu tiesiog tingėjai,

Kai tau jos reikia, nes tau galvoj vėjai

Ir dar pasikeli vidurkį, o tau ploja,

Duoda stipendiją ir dėstytojai moja?

Tiesą sakant, net nežinau ant ko pykstu labiau.

Ant tavęs, kad pasirinkai, kad tingėti geriau,

Ar ant dėstytojų ir univero, kuriems pažymys

Svarbiau nei ką atsimins jų buvęs mokinys.

Bedtime Stories Part 7: The Different Path of a Psychopath

Good to see you again, my dear readers.

Halloween has passed and my ghosts became calmer and the monster from the mirror hasn't bothered me since. But that doesn't mean I forgot about it and I'm still trying to figure out what really happened. Of course, for the time being I might just dismiss it as a hallucination from overworking myself, but maybe I will find something. The mirrors are still a bit glowy when I pass them, but I try not to see it.

But let's talk about something different. November has come and I have heard that most serial killers are born in November. So that's today's topic - serial killers. Moreover, I would like to target one specific group of serial killers - psychopaths. The theme of psychopaths have been explored by many authors and movie makers. Somehow people with twisted minds and an ax attract so many people to the cinemas. The term psychopath sometimes is thrown left and right, but what exactly makes a person a psychopath?

According to studies it takes two things - genetics and upbringing. And they have to be both effective (effective as in there's a gene and a bad childhood) in order for the person to turn into a psychopath. That means that people who have the gene but had an amazingly nice childhood will not necessarily turn into a mass murdering psychopath. Now that doesn't mean that we have to test each and every child for the gene and immediately put them in mental hospitals. What we should take out from this study is that we should treat kindly and ensure a good childhood. 

If it so happens that a person grew up to be a psychopath it doesn't necessarily mean he is a killer. A person has to kill at least three people to be labelled a serial killer. But psychopaths go above all that because of their lack of feeling guilt and remorse and predatory behavior. But like it was mentioned before - not all psychopaths are in jails and mental hospitals. They are among us. So naturally, a question arises - how to spot one among the crowd?

There is a special psychopath test which lists the characteristics. One of them is that the person lies a lot. Lying is a psychopath's everyday bread.  What else? Usually it's violent behavior - with animals, people, they hang out with criminals, they are happy with other people's misfortune and they like to inflict it as well.

Now if you know any people like this that doesn't necessarily mean that they are psychopaths. Most people share one or two or even more traits with psychopaths. That's why it's so hard to actually identify them. Plus, if you did the test and you start thinking "oh no - 9 out of 10, I'm almost a psychopath - what shall I do? Should I go to a mental hospital and admit myself right now?" don't worry. If you start thinking this, then most probably you are not a psychopath as they have such developed defense mechanisms that they will never think they are in fact psychopaths. Not even when they are killing somebody. Heck, they might even think they're doing the dead person a favour.

Now there you have it. After reading this you might start being suspicious of each person you meet, or you might continue your life as you used to. But for now, sleep tight. If you can.

Bedtime Stories Part 6: Look In The Mirror - The Reflection Is Smiling at You

Good evening, dear readers.

I am writing to you...and I am sad to say...I believe I am going mad. Now don‘t start telling otherwise, because I haven‘t told you the story yet. Also, if I am not going mad then the answer is much more strange of what has been going on to me lately. I beg I find an answer, I have been sitting days and nights researching this in the libraries, but I haven’t found much. But first, let me tell you what happened to me.

It was my mirror.

I started noticing something strange while looking at my reflection. It was if it started to react a millisecond slower than me. When I would walk past a mirror, my reflection would follow me a millisecond later than usual. Of course, at first I thought it was because I was tired, I put the blame on my sleepless nights and busy days. But something has happened and it made me change my mind. I was looking at my mirror, Tuesday morning I believe, it was right after shower. I was inspecting it with a keen eye, checking, hoping that I imagined everything. But then…my reflection smiled to me. Not with eyes. That other me just smiled with her mouth showing her teeth. And the teeth – they seemed sharper than mine. It lasted only a second, but that second was too long.

Naturally, I did the one thing I do best when I’m faced with the unknown. I googled it. At first I found lots and lots of horror stories, but I kept on searching. I had to have at least some proof that I wasn’t the only one experiencing this. And I had to know what it meant. Questions just popped in my mind one after another: does this happen a lot? Was this one time deal or will it happen again? Does it happen to random people? Why does this happen?

I found information about psychics, meditation, out of body experience, but most of them concentrated on changing of the eyes, seeing the aura and so on. But my reflection did none of those things. It smiled at me. With sharp teeth. This is not meditation. It might have been a hallucination, but I did not take anything before to make me hallucinate. I asked the ghosts, but they seemed clueless as well. Am I just simply going mad? Or am I slowly getting consumed by darkness like the last reporter? I actually never found out what really happened to her. I just got this job almost like out of nowhere. But who can I ask about it?

Not finding anything on the Internet, I thought I might try out the public library. But sadly all it had were books about reflection of your actions and how you can change for the better. Nothing about the actual reflections. I tried to go to a psychotherapist to ask maybe there is something wrong with me and I have to know why my mind is playing tricks. He said I seem perfectly normal. Well, ok, not perfectly normal, but mostly normal. He was intrigued by my story as well, but just said I was probably tired and a tired mind always has a lot of tricks for the eyes. I got a scan of my brain (that thing is a bit expensive though) but it showed nothing.

Right now, I honestly don’t know where to look anymore. If you have some contacts please write them to me. I am not frightened easily – I live with ghosts, for heaven’s sakes. I enjoy looking into supernatural, but this time supernatural looked back at me. It has been almost a week now since that incident and I do not know if it will happen again. Part of me is very curious and part of me is scared. There is nothing much I can do but search more information and wait.

And for you, my dear readers, now I can only wish you to sleep tight. If you can.

Bedtime Stories Part 5: Tell Me My Future. NOW

Good evening, dear readers.

When’s the last time you read your horoscope?

Future is a mysterious land that everybody wants to have a peek in. There is even a business – the fortune tellers are expected to become quite busy as the end of the year approaches and everyone wants to get in line and see what the stars hold them for the future. But how can you do that?

First of all, there are two ways to know your future: one being when people invoke some spirits and ask for their guidance (which is very ill adviced as we all heard from our interviewee Chad) and the other being more simple fortune telling. A lot of fortune telling is associated with gypsies, but I would be lying if nobody else at least tried to find out their future.

When you say fortune-telling, some people see Tarot cards, others – an old lady with a crystal ball, some imagine some more bizarre stuff. For example, cutting up animals and trying to guess the future from their insides. Another way is listening into uncontrollable laughter or cat meowing and trying to find a pattern. And let’s not forget the great octopus Paul who was guessing who will win the football matches. There’s also parrot astrology where the future is determined by the cards the parrot chooses.

SO how did this all start? In the old days, when the Ancient civilizations were in prosper, fortune-telling was not only an art, but also a very respected profession. The people who could see the future were admired advisors for kings and generals from more than 5000 years ago. I can understand why they were so valued – every person who can tell you what to do in a difficult situation is worth gold. Especially, if it later becomes true. Of course, it was a dangerous profession as well: if the fortune-teller would accidentally tell what the person didn‘t want to hear, or worse, the foretold future would be different from the actual future, chances are that the fortune-teller would be found dead. Ok, not really found – he would have a proper execution with the whole town watching.

When Christianity got a huge move in Europe, it was considered as a sin as you shouldn’t know your future. That makes you easier to control. It was reborn in Renaissance and buried with the age of Reason in 17-18^th centuries. That was until the rise of commercialism and consumerism. Then people got more liberate and free and decided that they can not only control their future, but they want a glimpse in there as well. Because as it turns out, when you know the future then you have a better chance of changing it. It has grown into a very profitable business these days.

Why people are so interested in tomorrowland? Why is it so important for some people to know what exactly will happen? I mean come to think about it, the future will always be different than you imagined it. Chances are, it will be the more different, the more clear plan you have. That‘s how the world just wants to mess with you.

Or it can be, that by knowing your future you can make it happen by not wanting it to happen. It‘s pretty complicated stuff when you start messing with the unknown. Also, it‘s very unclear – if you use different tools to find out your future, you can be almost certain you will get different answers. If you get the same answer – congratulations, your path is laid down before you. But that doesn‘t happen very often.

People get into fortune-telling because they want to be prepared for the future. But here‘s the catch – what if by knowing some disaster and avoiding it, you will jump into a catastrophe? What then?

You might dream your future, but there‘s a catch here as well. Is the future presented in the pleasant dreams or in the nightmares? What if it‘s both?

It‘s said that you should live like today is the last day, but prepare for tomorrow none-the-less. This saying is a little weird and vague, but most vague and unclear sayings are true because they can be true in every situation. That’s why writing horoscopes is such an art – make it so vague that it would apply for a huge part of humanity.

It doesn’t matter if you believe in fortune-telling or not, the future will always be like a leaf on the river stream – even if you manage to see it from far away, it will come and become the past before you can say “Is that a leaf?”.

So try not to be worried about your future that much, my readers. Or worry immensely; it’s your life, after all. There is only one thing you can be sure about – future will become your past sooner than you can notice. But for now, sleep tight. If you can.