Deep shadows of the blues

She was never ready for it. She always tried to get ready for it, but she never succeeded. It's this sort of feeling of drowning when there's no water around. And Lila always knew that feeling was somewhere deep inside her and she kept pushing it down, covering it up, but it would get out somehow... One time or another.

You see when this feeling would hit... The eyes get hazy. You start less focusing on what's happening now and your mind just drifts away into forgotten memories and thoughts. You know, the ones you don't want to think about. It's not the blues. The blues are a walk in the park compared to this. You see, from blues you can still create. You can make music, poetry, stories, drawings... You can transform your blues into art. But like Lila said, this was not the blues. This was the deep deep shadows of the blues.

Lila wasn't ready this time as well when it hit her. She was watching a movie and she was glad she was doing it alone because as it hit her, she was trying to fight it, but her tears started running like a fountain. The movie triggered some memories, some connections. But this time was better than the last. She learned how to deal with it, she learned how to hide it. She always said that you can get used to everything.

The first time it hit her, she didn't want to do anything. Her mind kicked and screamed and protested anyway possible when she would try to bring herself to do anything. But she still would jump out of bed like an arrow, because she couldn't allow others to see that something was wrong. Her life was good and she thought she can't complain. So she fought well and pushed the shadows deeper. They kept coming back though.

Sometimes the feeling wouldn't come back for months. But then it would hit again. Like a phone call in the middle of the night completely making you awake. But also filling you with all negative emotions and thoughts. But Lila was a well mannered girl, she couldn't let her anger shine through, she couldn't just lie in bed all day, she couldn't just stop living, couldn't just give up. Her hands would start shaking sometimes, but she brushed it off with a smile, saying, hey, we all have our silly little quirks. Not letting anyone inside. Lila was afraid, that if she ever let anyone inside, they would run away. And she needed her friends. She liked company of people. So she kept looking forward to parties, to get together with others, she would bury herself in work and hobbies because the thing that she hated (and feared) most was being left alone with her thoughts.

Lila was waiting for the up periods. The time when everything would light up like a flashlight and her smile would not leave her face. These were the best of times, and Lila thought the bad times were worth the good times. But the higher her good was, the harder the shadows would hit her next time. She just hoped that there wouldn't be people around because she could just deal with it alone. She couldn't handle other people around her down periods.

Lila had these images in her head which she dared not to do. Tearing up books, shouting on people, breaking glasses... sometimes she just wanted the let all the anger out, but she couldn't find a decent way how. So she just continued making everything numb. She just locked it all up and kept buying more locks and throwing away more keys.

Lila was afraid her emotions would break through the locks sometimes. She was afraid that when people saw her in this state, they would leave. And she couldn't handle people leaving. She needed the human connection, she needed the human warmth, so she needed to stay nice and decent and smiling.

Lila had a good life. But sometimes the deep shadows of blues would take over her. But she kept on smiling when people saw her even though she was screaming and breaking and tearing apart everything inside.

But she kept on being silent.

Because once someone told her

and it got stuck in her mind

that good little girls are like fish

you can see them 

but you shouldn't hear them